Break Up - Week 8

It's been 2 months.
Couple months ago, you asked me to accompany you to your friend's weeding.
And the weeding is today.

I had prepared the dress.

You decided to choose your new life.

And i'm here.
Sitting with the night view.
The city is not as busy as Jakarta.

I was back to Surabaya last Thursday.
It was early morning flight, arrived at my place around 8am.
Our pictures still there, your birthday card still there.

"Take care in Surabaya, dont forget to come back so next year it will be....."

That word was my spirit.

Words.
is just
words,

The book said "befriend with the sadness"

I am scared.
I am scared.


Do you hate me that much?

Break Up - Week 6

Tuhan,
Aku kangen.
Maaf.

Break Up - Week 5

i wake up this morning with headache.
I didnt take the sleeping pills for 2 days.
My body felt crazy tired but I couldn’t sleep at all.
All of my body and soul was incredibly tired and sick.
I was crazy my mind was full of you, my mind kept feeding me with story of you.

I bought another sleeping pills last night.
All i want just sleep peacefully.
2 days at office, with cups of coffe couldn’t help me to work.
My stomach felt unwell, i would like to throw everything away.

I never knew, break up or broken heart could be this bad.
I read books, articles, listening everything in podcast to help me healing.
But my head is in so much pain, my chest is so tired and so much hurt.
I can’t understand what happen with myself.

This morning.
I wake up.
And.
I miss you.

I really do.

Why do u change so much?
Why do u become someone i dont recognize?

What should i do if you had someone else?
How come you don’t think about me?

But like you said.
Enough.
Questions will be always there.


It’s crazy, holding all of the feeling alone.
The most hurtful feeling i’ve ever felt.



Anggi,
Hanging there ya.
Please stay strong, dont die, keep breathing :(
If i could hug you, i will come to hug.
I’m waiting here.
-yourself in the future-

Break Up - 2nd month

Today, i had morning consultation.
She asked me to make diary and today we reviewed it.
She summarized some emotional or feeling that reflect there.
I had to make letter, from each feeling towards you.

I couldn’t hold the tears.
When i said thank you.
Thank you for taking care of me.
Thank you for the happiness.
Thank you for being someone who i always dream of
Thank you ...

I am scared and feeling uncomfortable in the middle or public area.
I hope i can see you because i miss you so much, it’s so disgusting.
But yes, i miss you.
The other side i’m scared.... if i would see you with someone else.
The scene keep pushing my mind.

I am in one of worst condition today.
My chest hurt so much.
Everytime i breath, it’s so hurtful
....

I thought about suicide a lot today.
I’m questioning myself... how long i could hold this pain?
I feel so tired.
So tired.


And..... you stop contacting me.
I guess you really enjoy your new life.
I could say it’s not fair, i’m struggling with myself.
And... you seem fine.
I saw 2 new girls in ur account.
Wow.
:)
So fast baby.
I dont know who r they.
But.... you really do want to start new life.
Forget me.
Let me go.
Let
Me
Go.


Everytime the “let me go” words comes to my head, and my head recall the way you hugged me tightly....
The pain...
I can’t imagine it will be this hurtful.
I’m tired.
I do really want to kill myself.
So the pain.
Will disappear.

But i know.
I will be in hell forever.
So i was only crying like a shit, spending almost 5 hours to cry.
But the pain is still here!

Should i call you?
Should i text you?
What if i call to ask you to meet me once more...
I do really want to hug you.
For the last time.
To say please take care...
Stay healthy.

I do really want to let you go.
Let myself free from the pain.
But i’m scared.
I’m so confused.

God...
Please forgive me.
This pain, i couldn’t handle it.
Please forgive me.
Help me.

Break Up - 1st month

I’m taking double sleeping pills.
It still doesn’t work.
If killed myself would not make me live in hell forever.
Maybe i have took all of the pills!

You can think that i’m crazy or whatever.
You just have no idea, how the pain ruins my life.
And you?
Enjoy your life.
Wow.
Run away.
NO WORDS!!!
No explanation!

It’s been a month.
You dont contact me today.
You actually forget the promise.
Have you ever re-thought about us in this month?
Like you said?

Can you just keep your own world?
Do you think you deal with with tree or stone?

You said “i will never leave you”
Fucking bullshit.
Once you decided to leave.
See?
“I’ll help you through this”

Throw me away.
Like.
Nothing happen.

If i could throw away this disgusting love.
I will kick it awayyy!!! From my life!!!!!

I am spending my evening crying like stupid girl.
Disgusting.
You simply said “kamu melihat dari sisi pesimis dan dramatis”
Heartless!

Do you even have heart?

I asked to 4 professional help.
See? I’m trying and i want to move or even jump from this situation.
And you simple said, like i dont want to drag myself out!
Of course i want!!!!! More than anyone.
I’m speechless at all!!!!
How come someone like you talk like that???


Anggi, promise me... you will through this ok?
I know, this is hard for you.
It’s ok to cry.
Hug-
Urself in the future, i’m waiting here.

For Future Me - Break Up Day 23

Been 3 weeks.

I’m still breathing.

Crying in the morning, before sleeping or at office (come to toilet so many times to cry)

I came to ask professional help.

Yes, to make me stop hurting myself or thinking to die.

I came to 3 psychologist in less than a month.

I spent hours there.

“My love is less than 50%”

“I’m not happy”

“I dont realize my love for you slowly disappears... maybe because we’re far”

That words keep coming to my ears.

1. You said “i’ll let you know, if i could accompany you on Saturday because you already promised me. I’ll help you to find activity.

No. You didnt contact me.

2. We were in same flight. You offered me to have same flight back with me.

But, you even didn’t try to text me ask me! “R u already there?” Or “where r you?”

No... you didn’t.

No word at all.

You texted me just because my mom was so frustrated seeing me couldn’t stop crying.

3. You said “if you still need me to accompany you for the event, i’m fine. And i’ll let u know how’s the situation for my event”

At that day. 

No.. there was no call or text :)

And....

What you said “i will help you to through this”

How do you do that? Even you cannot keep you own word.

I’m out of my mind.

And suddenly.

You asked “hey, are u ok?”

Wow... my head... keep asking.

Why did u ask?

(Dont u just want to make yourself feel comfortable, if i said i’m good)

(So you can continue  your life peacefully)

But... my stupid heart.... comforting.

No... he is not that mean.

And ur answer.

I’m happy seeing u good.

I’m speechless.

Disgusting.

Pretending i’m good.

When even you cant work without come for consultation and pay so much money to make this mind stay insane.

My question.

Are you happy now?

How’s your feeling?

Don’t be proud of your logic.

That makes you less human.

Do you love someone, with your logic?

If you got hurt or felt uncomfortable, you will leave her?

Or

Simply 

You just

Never

Loved her?

For Future Me - Break Up Day 9

Hi,
Today is my first day back to work after long holiday.

In the morning, my taxi driver took wrong direction.
And made me through his office building.
And the road to his place.

I spent a whole day super productive.
And the evening came.
I talked with new friend about his marriage life.
Most of the boys who knows i broke up.
They said, he has someone else.
Everytime i think about that.
Makes my chest more in pain.
It’s crazy, unbelievable.
When you said to me dont ever cheat on him.
And he has someone else.
It’s impossible and unbelievable.
But who knows?
They said.

I spent time until no one left in the office.
My taxi driver (agail) took wrong direction and made me through his office building.
I was crying on my way back to home.
Painful.
Tired.


I took sleeping pill.
Slept and dreamt of him.
Woke up some times in the mid of night.
Previously i woke up to check, is he home yet?
To ensure he arrive home safely.

I opened my phone.
And nothing.
Emptiness that breaks the heart and feeling.
Tired.
Why does love make people struggle like this?
Why does love hurt?

For Future Me - Break Up Day 8

Hi,
I have flight with him today.

I thought something better.
And it’s worse.
We didn’t talk.
I cant believe we become stranger.

I felt bad.
Was crying at home.
I felt lonely, ignored.

It’s so hurtful.

I was pretending that i’m fine.
Back to work.
I did make up and blowed my hair.
So it wouldn’t be that mess.

I was crying in taxi along the way from airport to home.
I couldn’t stop crying.

My mom was confused and frustrated.
She texted him.
Let him know my situation.
He texted me, he said he called but I didn’t answer.
He thought I wouldn’t talk to him anymore.

I replied.
Said sorry.

I was crying.
Failed pretending.
Failed let him know, i was getting better.
I lose my pride.
Myself.
Everything.

I have never felt this crazy, confused and depressed.
I couldn’t get anyone advise or suggestion.

It sucks.
Sucks!

For Future Me - Break Up Day 7

Hi,

I am working since morning at coffee shop.
He promised to let me know his availability today.

He hasnt texted me until now.
I am not waiting.
No.
Even he texts me.
I have decided to not meet him.

I checked my spotify friends activity,
Saw him there.
1 day ago.
He was listening 1 song.
Checked the lyric:

The Moment by Nicky Romero

I'm Broken but fearless
got nothing left to losei'm Trying to climb the stepsI'm looking for the truthThe house that's made of glass is breakingThe world that I knew is caving inAnd gravel on my feet is shaking
When I turn my life around
This is the moment
Oh Oh Ohh
The Moment
Oh Oh Ohh
The Moment
I'm crawling to the door
So let me live another way
I'm needing something more
The world that I knew is caving in
And gravel on my feet is shaking
When I turn my life around
This is the moment
I won't let life tear me down
I've got nothing left then my beating heart
This is the moment
Oh Oh Ohh
The Moment
Oh Oh Ohh
The Moment

But this is the moment

I'm burnt out like a craze

The house that's made of glass is breaking

But this is the moment

I've found my way out of the dark

am i that bad? :(

sad.... did you see that we were as "darkness"

I still dont have any idea.

What should i do... tomorrow.

T__T

I miss you...

CRY!

or... do u cancel ur flight ticket?

I dont think so sih.

You're not that kind of person.

Simply dont care at all.

If you're fine now.

It means, we successfully through tomorrow awkward flight....

anw, i have just made schedule to ask professional help on Weds.

Hope we will through this as soon as possible :(

I booked hotel across the place he broke me up anw :(
I didnt know, i booked that long time before.
WHYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!

For Future Me - Break Up Day 6

Hey,
Hope you’re doing well.

It’s 23.12.
Today is the first time we dont have any communication in more than 24 hours.
My head keep questioning.
Is he ok?
What is he doing?
Does he eat week?
How’s his headache?
Does he think about me?

He said.
He will help me through this.
:)
No.
He stop asking me to eat.
He stop ensure i eat well.
Maybe he wants to help me to understand, there is no point to keep us contacting each other.
If i could i really want to call him.
Please stop and go back.
But i promise to myself, i promise to my future.
I will stop begging.
Begging only happened once.

I felt so empty.
Ah ya... I understand know.
Why do i hate empty feeling.
This feeling is same with the feeling when my father left me at that night.
I begged to him before i slept to not leave me

Please stay.
I hold his body, kept my legs closed his back.
So i would know and realized when he left.
At mid night i woke up.
And found myself alone.
I was crying.
I was so scare, alone, no one there.
I couldn’t call anyone.
It happened a lot for 2 years.
I hate the feeling so much.

I hate the empty feeling.
I hate wake up in the mid of night and found myself alone.
My Mom said, that’s why you have to believe in God.
Allah will never leave you.
I see.

I am still crying today.
I cant eat.
I tried to eat snacks.
I am still crying.
My chest still hurts.

He promised to accompany me tomorrow and stay with me before broke me up.
And tomorrow.
......
The promise is just a word.
I still can’t believe.
The person who i love, i trust......

I’m still thinking what should i do.
If i met him in airport.
What should i say, what should i do.
All i want to do is hug him and say please say this is only a joke.

But it’s impossible.
I happened.
He left
And looks fine.
The thing that make him not look fine is, feel bad about my condition i think.
Only God and him who will understand.

God, please help me to heal the pain quickly.
It’s hard to hold this any longer.

I’m still taking sleeping pill until today.
So i will not wake up in the mid of night.
And feel the pain.

Stop telling me to be OK!

What does actually happen with everybody?
Could you just stop saying "hey, move on"


Don't you see, i want it more that everyone in this world!!!!!!
BUT IT’S SO HURTFUL AND HARD BITCH! 😭😭😭

For Future Me - Break Up Day 5

Hi,
It’s 7.51 pm here.

I called as the grief of last hug memory.
I was in my uncle house for Lebaran tradition visit.
They were talking a lot of things.
Everybody looked exited and happy.
I sat in front of the house and suddenly remember our last hug.
I’ve never thought it would be our last hug.
My chest was suddenly hurtful.
Felt so empty and full of regret
I wrote long text to someone.
So i would not text him about my feeling.
I promised him i promised to not share my feeling to him.

I will hold my promise.
I will.

My dear future me, so if you read it and forgot how it was.
How the last hug was.

It was Sunday afternoon - 28 April 2019.
Before my flight back to surabaya.
I came to his place.
To had lunch together.
Spent lil time before i went back to surabaya.
He was unpacking his luggage, just back from Korea, when i arrived there.
He gave me some cute socks, favorite sweet snacks, sheet masks, perfume and bag for my mom.

After spent around 3 hours.
My taxi came pick me up to airport.
We hugged each other.
I was holding my tears, but couldn’t help to not cry.
He asked “hey, kenapa? Sedih karna ketemunya masih lama?”
I hugged him tight and said yes...

And a month after that.
It was our last hug.
If i knew it would be our last hug.
I would hug him tighter and longer.
And said i do love him so much.

Today...
The grief for our last hug...

It’s ok to cry.
I had evening conversation today with my uncle.
I couldn’t hold my tears, when he asked about him.

It’s ok to feel every sadness and it’s ok.
Feel it, it’s a grief.
Step by step.

Thanks for crying, thanks for being honest to yourself.
I hope, dear future me.
You’re stronger person now.
I promise to you to no chase him as much as before.
I do apologize for hurting you a lot.

Sincerely,
You - 7 June 2019

For Future Me - Break Up Day 5 Morning

Hi,

The most tragic feeling every morning.
Empty and losing feeling.
Killing my heart slowly.....

I read his text.
It’s only.
- bhaik
- iya sudah kok hehe

If it hurts you a lot dear me.
I will stop this.
I will stop begging for him.
If i begged and made you getting worse.

I will stop.

Easy word that people always say:
“ if someone didn't care”
“ why should you”
Of course yes.... i love him so much.

How come.....
:’(

I’m crying now.
Remembered his kindness, gave me microphone
sent it along the way from Jakarta to Surabaya.
And tell me “happy karaoke”
Less than a week before he broke me up.
And it happened so sudden.
Breaking everything so hurtful.

I’m still asking.
Why?
Why?
What happened?


And you will come with.
We have already had long discussion.
And it’s enough.

I’m so afraid thinking he will be with someone else.
I’m so afraid.
More than anything.
I’m so afraid.... if all the love he had for me will be for someone else.
I’m so afraid.... if all the attention he had will be for someone else.
It’s hard to accept and believe....
He is not mine anymore.
Everytime it comes to my mind.
I cant breathe, it really hurtssss!

Dear future me,
You’re really in the hardest break up ever.
It’s totally painful.
If you’re doing good now.
Thank you and i appreciate it a lot.
I appreciate it a lot.
I do.
Thank you do much for through this.
Thank you so much for staying so strong.
I do appreciate.
I wanna hug you.
And say well done.
Great job.
See you’re doing well now.

For Future Me - Break Up Day 4

Hi,

It’s already late night here.
I was texting him today.
Asking his plan, is he ok, eat well, drive safely.

He has just replied my text.
Tired.

I realized today.
I’m no one now.
Last month he still mentioned how special i am for him.
I’m no one now.
Losing at all.
Unwanted.
Losing his caring feel.
He stop asking my day.
Stop asking am i eating well?
Stop asking about me.
He doesn’t want to know about me.
He stop to want to know.
Grief to “the meaning of me” for him
Today, is the grief for this.

I miss him so much.
I want to cry scream to universe.
God.... it’s so hard.
I miss him so much.
Give me strength to through this.
I love him so much, and i really do.

I do apologize for all of the bad words about him.
I do apologize for ungrateful, complaining about him.
When i say i accept him.
But talking something bad, improper and complaining behind him.

Maaf teramat besar untuk rasa tidak bersyukur disayangi dia sebulumnya.
Penyesalan terbesar karena tidak bersyukur.

You’ve done good job today.
You faced people outside.
And in the night.
You drained again.
The losing feeling is hurtful.

Hurtful.

I promise if you can trough this hard situation well.
I promise to you my dear future me.
I promise to take care or myself better.
I promise, i will not let it happen again.
I promise to protect you.

Be strong be strong be strong.
I beg to myself to please be strong.
It’s ok to cry a lot.
The pain is really pailful.
I know i know.
I do apologize to let this happen.
I promise, we will have fun, we will protect ourself together.

Tonight is so hurtful.
My heart is broken that hard.
God.... i dont have anyone to help.
I beg to You.
Please help me please help me.
Please help me.
It’s so hurtful.........

For Future Me - Break Up

Hi me in the future,
Hope you’re doing well now.
At least better than what i feel.


Today is the second day after he broke you up.
As we both agree since the beginning of relationship.
That’s why we were so afraid to start the relationship.

Because of this.
And surprise it really happened to us.

Maybe you still remember.
Because his love for me slowly disappears.
And he didn’t realize it.
And it happens when i still have so much love to him.

Maybe you still remember.
We both.
In one night, asking the question to him people change love changes.
How come i can believe he will never leave?
He answer with his deep voice.
Hey dont worry.
“If it happened i will take a break, not stop or quit”
“I choose you”

We both.
Trust his word.

We both.
Trust him.

With all of this heart.
With all of the faith that we still have.

After all.
After all.
He left.
Two days ago.
With reason.
His love slowly disappears
He is not happy anymore

When he is the one who asked me to build family together?
He left.

After all.

Until today.
We both dont know.
How to through this.

Even we dont have any reason to hate him.
At all.
Because we both know.
We have so much love for him.
That much.
And really do.

Dear future me,
I hope you’re doing well there.
So i know i’ll be fine in the end.

Letter for future me

Hi future me,

Good morning!
Today, 1 June 2019.

How’re there?
Hope you’re doing well and feel much loved there.

Today, it’s the day we both hate the most.
The scariest feeling.
When we woke up early morning and the chest feels empty.
You’re in relationships now.
And he just asked tough question.
It breaks ur heart.

Why it still happens?
Why?

I have no idea what to do.
All i can do is only cry.
It feels hurtful.
All of the dream and future disappears in second.

I hope we’re fine and we can through this.
Wherever you’re know.
I would like to say thank you for through this toughest moment well.
Thank you for staying strong.

And always remember.
You’re loved.
By yourself.
And don’t forget to love yourself.
Because by the end of the day, you only have yourself left to count on.

Sincere love,
Your past in June 1st 2019

And, now i understand.
Why people commit to suicide.


....
They want to kill the pain in their heart.
....

Worst feeling


When you wake up in early morning.
Your heart feels so empty.
Hurts so much.

You don’t know how to cry anymore.
Because you will not feel better.


I was feeling so much loved.
Why do now i can’t feel anything?
Is it my fault?
Is it just my feeling?
This insecurity drives me more crazy.

But hey.
Your feeling - no, your feeling most of the time brings to the right thing?
Scare with my own feeling.
Why do we need to hurt each other when we love each other?


I’ll be fine.
If i could feel loved
As much as.
Before.

Is it possible?

Or, do i still deserve for love?
Do i deserve it?
Repeating this question, again - and again.

Do i deserve it?