Break Up - 2nd month

Today, i had morning consultation.
She asked me to make diary and today we reviewed it.
She summarized some emotional or feeling that reflect there.
I had to make letter, from each feeling towards you.

I couldn’t hold the tears.
When i said thank you.
Thank you for taking care of me.
Thank you for the happiness.
Thank you for being someone who i always dream of
Thank you ...

I am scared and feeling uncomfortable in the middle or public area.
I hope i can see you because i miss you so much, it’s so disgusting.
But yes, i miss you.
The other side i’m scared.... if i would see you with someone else.
The scene keep pushing my mind.

I am in one of worst condition today.
My chest hurt so much.
Everytime i breath, it’s so hurtful
....

I thought about suicide a lot today.
I’m questioning myself... how long i could hold this pain?
I feel so tired.
So tired.


And..... you stop contacting me.
I guess you really enjoy your new life.
I could say it’s not fair, i’m struggling with myself.
And... you seem fine.
I saw 2 new girls in ur account.
Wow.
:)
So fast baby.
I dont know who r they.
But.... you really do want to start new life.
Forget me.
Let me go.
Let
Me
Go.


Everytime the “let me go” words comes to my head, and my head recall the way you hugged me tightly....
The pain...
I can’t imagine it will be this hurtful.
I’m tired.
I do really want to kill myself.
So the pain.
Will disappear.

But i know.
I will be in hell forever.
So i was only crying like a shit, spending almost 5 hours to cry.
But the pain is still here!

Should i call you?
Should i text you?
What if i call to ask you to meet me once more...
I do really want to hug you.
For the last time.
To say please take care...
Stay healthy.

I do really want to let you go.
Let myself free from the pain.
But i’m scared.
I’m so confused.

God...
Please forgive me.
This pain, i couldn’t handle it.
Please forgive me.
Help me.