Break Up - Week 6

Tuhan,
Aku kangen.
Maaf.

Break Up - Week 5

i wake up this morning with headache.
I didnt take the sleeping pills for 2 days.
My body felt crazy tired but I couldn’t sleep at all.
All of my body and soul was incredibly tired and sick.
I was crazy my mind was full of you, my mind kept feeding me with story of you.

I bought another sleeping pills last night.
All i want just sleep peacefully.
2 days at office, with cups of coffe couldn’t help me to work.
My stomach felt unwell, i would like to throw everything away.

I never knew, break up or broken heart could be this bad.
I read books, articles, listening everything in podcast to help me healing.
But my head is in so much pain, my chest is so tired and so much hurt.
I can’t understand what happen with myself.

This morning.
I wake up.
And.
I miss you.

I really do.

Why do u change so much?
Why do u become someone i dont recognize?

What should i do if you had someone else?
How come you don’t think about me?

But like you said.
Enough.
Questions will be always there.


It’s crazy, holding all of the feeling alone.
The most hurtful feeling i’ve ever felt.



Anggi,
Hanging there ya.
Please stay strong, dont die, keep breathing :(
If i could hug you, i will come to hug.
I’m waiting here.
-yourself in the future-

Break Up - 2nd month

Today, i had morning consultation.
She asked me to make diary and today we reviewed it.
She summarized some emotional or feeling that reflect there.
I had to make letter, from each feeling towards you.

I couldn’t hold the tears.
When i said thank you.
Thank you for taking care of me.
Thank you for the happiness.
Thank you for being someone who i always dream of
Thank you ...

I am scared and feeling uncomfortable in the middle or public area.
I hope i can see you because i miss you so much, it’s so disgusting.
But yes, i miss you.
The other side i’m scared.... if i would see you with someone else.
The scene keep pushing my mind.

I am in one of worst condition today.
My chest hurt so much.
Everytime i breath, it’s so hurtful
....

I thought about suicide a lot today.
I’m questioning myself... how long i could hold this pain?
I feel so tired.
So tired.


And..... you stop contacting me.
I guess you really enjoy your new life.
I could say it’s not fair, i’m struggling with myself.
And... you seem fine.
I saw 2 new girls in ur account.
Wow.
:)
So fast baby.
I dont know who r they.
But.... you really do want to start new life.
Forget me.
Let me go.
Let
Me
Go.


Everytime the “let me go” words comes to my head, and my head recall the way you hugged me tightly....
The pain...
I can’t imagine it will be this hurtful.
I’m tired.
I do really want to kill myself.
So the pain.
Will disappear.

But i know.
I will be in hell forever.
So i was only crying like a shit, spending almost 5 hours to cry.
But the pain is still here!

Should i call you?
Should i text you?
What if i call to ask you to meet me once more...
I do really want to hug you.
For the last time.
To say please take care...
Stay healthy.

I do really want to let you go.
Let myself free from the pain.
But i’m scared.
I’m so confused.

God...
Please forgive me.
This pain, i couldn’t handle it.
Please forgive me.
Help me.

Break Up - 1st month

I’m taking double sleeping pills.
It still doesn’t work.
If killed myself would not make me live in hell forever.
Maybe i have took all of the pills!

You can think that i’m crazy or whatever.
You just have no idea, how the pain ruins my life.
And you?
Enjoy your life.
Wow.
Run away.
NO WORDS!!!
No explanation!

It’s been a month.
You dont contact me today.
You actually forget the promise.
Have you ever re-thought about us in this month?
Like you said?

Can you just keep your own world?
Do you think you deal with with tree or stone?

You said “i will never leave you”
Fucking bullshit.
Once you decided to leave.
See?
“I’ll help you through this”

Throw me away.
Like.
Nothing happen.

If i could throw away this disgusting love.
I will kick it awayyy!!! From my life!!!!!

I am spending my evening crying like stupid girl.
Disgusting.
You simply said “kamu melihat dari sisi pesimis dan dramatis”
Heartless!

Do you even have heart?

I asked to 4 professional help.
See? I’m trying and i want to move or even jump from this situation.
And you simple said, like i dont want to drag myself out!
Of course i want!!!!! More than anyone.
I’m speechless at all!!!!
How come someone like you talk like that???


Anggi, promise me... you will through this ok?
I know, this is hard for you.
It’s ok to cry.
Hug-
Urself in the future, i’m waiting here.