For Future Me - Break Up Day 6

Hey,
Hope you’re doing well.

It’s 23.12.
Today is the first time we dont have any communication in more than 24 hours.
My head keep questioning.
Is he ok?
What is he doing?
Does he eat week?
How’s his headache?
Does he think about me?

He said.
He will help me through this.
:)
No.
He stop asking me to eat.
He stop ensure i eat well.
Maybe he wants to help me to understand, there is no point to keep us contacting each other.
If i could i really want to call him.
Please stop and go back.
But i promise to myself, i promise to my future.
I will stop begging.
Begging only happened once.

I felt so empty.
Ah ya... I understand know.
Why do i hate empty feeling.
This feeling is same with the feeling when my father left me at that night.
I begged to him before i slept to not leave me

Please stay.
I hold his body, kept my legs closed his back.
So i would know and realized when he left.
At mid night i woke up.
And found myself alone.
I was crying.
I was so scare, alone, no one there.
I couldn’t call anyone.
It happened a lot for 2 years.
I hate the feeling so much.

I hate the empty feeling.
I hate wake up in the mid of night and found myself alone.
My Mom said, that’s why you have to believe in God.
Allah will never leave you.
I see.

I am still crying today.
I cant eat.
I tried to eat snacks.
I am still crying.
My chest still hurts.

He promised to accompany me tomorrow and stay with me before broke me up.
And tomorrow.
......
The promise is just a word.
I still can’t believe.
The person who i love, i trust......

I’m still thinking what should i do.
If i met him in airport.
What should i say, what should i do.
All i want to do is hug him and say please say this is only a joke.

But it’s impossible.
I happened.
He left
And looks fine.
The thing that make him not look fine is, feel bad about my condition i think.
Only God and him who will understand.

God, please help me to heal the pain quickly.
It’s hard to hold this any longer.

I’m still taking sleeping pill until today.
So i will not wake up in the mid of night.
And feel the pain.