no title

I have survived for 5 years

Depressive nights, countless numb days.

There was some bright days, then back to those dark circle

Lately the thought to die comes often

But i know, there will be long journey after it.

There will be long road with no end...

Painful road.

Full of punishment.

I decided to stop coming to my therapist.

The session was always painful.

She kept telling me to remember the pain, no.. even the source of every pain.

Questioning what am i doing in this world

Why am i here

Too scare to die

Too frustrated with my own feeling, thought 

counting number

Losing excitement in celebrating my birthday

Lol

Well done!

Thank you for staying alive!

Thank you for surviving!

Thank you for always giving the best for yourself!

Well done, i love you more than last year!

moving

It's saturday night, on my way to my friend's wedding.

I have too much in mind, makes me coming back to this.

Complicated tought and feeling.

I am going to leave from my 6years 2nd home.

It's funny i dont feel anything

Kinda numb

Sadness? Idk i just want to leave.

No, i haven't met my therapist, lol.

clouds

When was the last time I share something here?

A year ago?

I have so much thoughts lately.

It's hard to describe how I feel, what I think 

I am planning to continue my discussion with my therapist.

It has been 2 years I stop meeting her, I thought everything will be fine.

But lately the black clouds is coming and filling my body with those uncomfortable pain.

I keep pulling myself from others.

Anxious to talk with others.

Keep ignoring people who reach out to me.

I hate everything with no reason.

Losing motivation to work and keep spending money impulsively.

What's going on?

hole

After long time, i feel the hole inside again.

seeing you again

After almost 2 years.

Tomorrow will be the first i meet him

I am sure i dont have any feeling left.

But somehow, i really dont want to talk with him, wasting my energy to talk face to face.

Lets face it and go home! 

weird night

I find myself hard to fall a sleep.

Even the body feels tired.

So many things come up to my mind.

I start losing my way, what do i really want?

I am thinking to take long break.

And just be there for myself.

Let myself take a break from everything for a while.