Silly Honest Feeling

You know what?

This is silly, i find out myself still missing my ex.

I dont know but i miss him, a lot lately. But the form of this feeling quite different than before.

It’s simply more like, missing the feeling or moment with him. Not missing in sad way. I miss the moment talking with him. I miss the conversation with him. Facing another lost, i miss to see his eyes and simply hug him in silent. Just for a moment. I miss the comfort moment with him.

I know it’s silly. But it’s ok. We’re just trying to be honest with our feeling and let’s see how long it will be.

Acceptance needs process, i think we’re almost there, to accept all of this hurtful moment with him in peace.

Ps: i miss you. I hope you always be fine there.

Week 3

 I miss him.

A lot.

I decided to end up everything 3weeks ago, he asked to meet me directly. He asked for lunch but i refused because i know it would ruin my work.

He said ok. But never came back and contacted me.

Losing him seems harder because feel lose best friend at the same time. It feels like double attack. 

My brain keeps asking and thinking “is the decision ok? 

To be honest deep inside. I feel bad.

I miss him, the jokes, comfort silent moment, accompany for long hours silent video call :(

I wonder, how’s his feeling? He seems ok :(

I found out.
My instagram is muted.
I dont know actually, it’s muted or he just skipped my story.
I talked to my friend
“Then what? Why do u still care about that?”

Yah i know.
It’s stupid.
It has been a year and i still cant get over it.
I dont know why.

Do i need to come to my therapist and ask why?
To be honest i miss him.
A lot.
Call me stupid or crazy.
I know.
I know.

Sad.
It’s tiring.

Break Up - almost a year (in a week)

Hi, how r you?
Hope you feel better today!

Today is 2nd day of Lebaran.

I would like to say thank you so much to myself.
For being strong through this tough year.
Reread the previous story, back to last year moment.
I am so proud of myself.
Thank you for taking care of yourself well.
Thank you for eating healthy food, working out consistently, pushing to stay alive, keep moving, dancing a lot, singing a lot, influencing closest people to start healthier life.

Thank you for being wiser, stronger and having bigger heart to accept the situation.
Thank you for stop blaming that i am not good enough to make someone stay.

Thank you for loving myself better.

It's quite surprising when you get unexpected attention from unexpected person, i don't think we can call it love.
Because i know, we both have so much love to someone else.

Thanks to him.
Thank you for staying around.
Thank you for taking care of me.
Thank you for laughing together effortlessly.
Thank you for holding my hand and simply rubbing my back every time i couldn't stop talking while crying and drunk.
Thank you for comforting me.
I do really hope you will always have a good life and being loved wherever you are.



Back to my ex.
He didn't say anything.
And he is with someone else now.
I saw him posted story about food from his girlfriend.
Read his message back from his birthday, "i dont want to be in love with anyone"
The first time i saw his story, my expression was like :) wow
Do i really have so much love this inconsistent person?
Maybe it's time to remove him from my instagram.

Moving on.
And totally letting him go.