Last Month being 20's

 Hi,

I guess life is going well since I stop writing for a while.
Hmm,  i see it's getting better or maybe i just become stronger somehow (which is good, right?)
So, if you see me in the future, I decided to move for a while to Bali.
I have been living here for almost 3 months, traveling a lot in the middle of my busy work.

How's my feeling now?

Last October, I got a text from him and he asked me to meet up. 

I rejected since I didn't see the urgency to meet him after more than a year. He said he would apologize.

I was laughing, where have you been? This year a learn a lot about how to forgive and let go of the grudge. I am so tired of my anger and waiting for people to apologize, realize their mistake, realize that what they did hurt me. But in life, if everything happens as we wish, it's not life, right?

Until now, I realize that forgiveness is not for them. It is for me to have a more peaceful mind. I know the sadness is sometimes still there, but nothing I can do except to feel the sadness, take a breath, talk to myself that "hey, you'll be fine"

It's good to have a break in Bali, I went to the beach a lot. I got tanned and it's very tanned.
Somehow I don't care, I don't want to have any regret or at least minimize any regret in the future.

Thank you for my 20's

Thank you for staying strong, surviving from so much pain, and achieving so much good things.

I am so proud of you.

Take care of your feeling, live with the best life you can give to yourself, buy the best things for yourself.

You deserve all of the good things in this world.

Thank you for my 20's!

I am so happy with i have today.

Welcome to 30's life!

The wedding that i see

 I am checking my Instagram. Talked to my friend that i have feeling he will get married. And i find out he got married last night.

I cant lie, it’s sad

But i dont actually understand why i feel this way.

Am i envy or do i still have a feeling?

I want to run away somewhere.

Dear myself,

It’s ok to feel sad, feel the sadness. You have big heart. I will be with you forever.

Love,

Your future

My Feeling around 2 am

 Hi,

(I have just read the old text between me and him, a year ago i got food from him, i was in the mid of meeting and couldn’t buy lunch. He bought it for me)

It's been a while. I am questioning myself a lot.

Am i really ok? Am i just running away from the reality of getting hurt inside?

How hurt the pain inside, i have nothing to do.

Acceptance, i am looking for some answer but it keeps leading me to learn how to accept things peacefully, let it be and learn the real meaning of  “it is what it is”

I have no control for anything.

I keep seeing them smiling and living their best life. I have different feeling now, thought i am getting stronger somehow. But do i really feel fine inside? 

No, i feel sad but the sadness is in different scale or form than before, it feels like uncomfortable wave inside my chest. 

Sometimes i miss the way how they made me feel comfortable, energize and happy. 

I cant lie, curious do they really never think about me? Then the next question will come up, if yes then what? If no then what? Sadly i have to accept. We are no longer at the same bus, we are no longer relate to each other. 

We are back to stranger to each other.

I miss you both.

Dear myself,

How sad, how hurt you are now. Take care and hanging there. I will see you in the future with full and warm heart. We will through this together. You know that i love you so much. I promise to learn more about yourself and taking care of you better.

I am waiting here, to see you with brighter smile from inside your heart.

Love,

Yourself 

Silly Honest Feeling

You know what?

This is silly, i find out myself still missing my ex.

I dont know but i miss him, a lot lately. But the form of this feeling quite different than before.

It’s simply more like, missing the feeling or moment with him. Not missing in sad way. I miss the moment talking with him. I miss the conversation with him. Facing another lost, i miss to see his eyes and simply hug him in silent. Just for a moment. I miss the comfort moment with him.

I know it’s silly. But it’s ok. We’re just trying to be honest with our feeling and let’s see how long it will be.

Acceptance needs process, i think we’re almost there, to accept all of this hurtful moment with him in peace.

Ps: i miss you. I hope you always be fine there.

Week 3

 I miss him.

A lot.

I decided to end up everything 3weeks ago, he asked to meet me directly. He asked for lunch but i refused because i know it would ruin my work.

He said ok. But never came back and contacted me.

Losing him seems harder because feel lose best friend at the same time. It feels like double attack. 

My brain keeps asking and thinking “is the decision ok? 

To be honest deep inside. I feel bad.

I miss him, the jokes, comfort silent moment, accompany for long hours silent video call :(

I wonder, how’s his feeling? He seems ok :(

I found out.
My instagram is muted.
I dont know actually, it’s muted or he just skipped my story.
I talked to my friend
“Then what? Why do u still care about that?”

Yah i know.
It’s stupid.
It has been a year and i still cant get over it.
I dont know why.

Do i need to come to my therapist and ask why?
To be honest i miss him.
A lot.
Call me stupid or crazy.
I know.
I know.

Sad.
It’s tiring.