My Feeling around 2 am

 Hi,

(I have just read the old text between me and him, a year ago i got food from him, i was in the mid of meeting and couldn’t buy lunch. He bought it for me)

It's been a while. I am questioning myself a lot.

Am i really ok? Am i just running away from the reality of getting hurt inside?

How hurt the pain inside, i have nothing to do.

Acceptance, i am looking for some answer but it keeps leading me to learn how to accept things peacefully, let it be and learn the real meaning of  “it is what it is”

I have no control for anything.

I keep seeing them smiling and living their best life. I have different feeling now, thought i am getting stronger somehow. But do i really feel fine inside? 

No, i feel sad but the sadness is in different scale or form than before, it feels like uncomfortable wave inside my chest. 

Sometimes i miss the way how they made me feel comfortable, energize and happy. 

I cant lie, curious do they really never think about me? Then the next question will come up, if yes then what? If no then what? Sadly i have to accept. We are no longer at the same bus, we are no longer relate to each other. 

We are back to stranger to each other.

I miss you both.

Dear myself,

How sad, how hurt you are now. Take care and hanging there. I will see you in the future with full and warm heart. We will through this together. You know that i love you so much. I promise to learn more about yourself and taking care of you better.

I am waiting here, to see you with brighter smile from inside your heart.

Love,

Yourself 

Silly Honest Feeling

You know what?

This is silly, i find out myself still missing my ex.

I dont know but i miss him, a lot lately. But the form of this feeling quite different than before.

It’s simply more like, missing the feeling or moment with him. Not missing in sad way. I miss the moment talking with him. I miss the conversation with him. Facing another lost, i miss to see his eyes and simply hug him in silent. Just for a moment. I miss the comfort moment with him.

I know it’s silly. But it’s ok. We’re just trying to be honest with our feeling and let’s see how long it will be.

Acceptance needs process, i think we’re almost there, to accept all of this hurtful moment with him in peace.

Ps: i miss you. I hope you always be fine there.

Week 3

 I miss him.

A lot.

I decided to end up everything 3weeks ago, he asked to meet me directly. He asked for lunch but i refused because i know it would ruin my work.

He said ok. But never came back and contacted me.

Losing him seems harder because feel lose best friend at the same time. It feels like double attack. 

My brain keeps asking and thinking “is the decision ok? 

To be honest deep inside. I feel bad.

I miss him, the jokes, comfort silent moment, accompany for long hours silent video call :(

I wonder, how’s his feeling? He seems ok :(

I found out.
My instagram is muted.
I dont know actually, it’s muted or he just skipped my story.
I talked to my friend
“Then what? Why do u still care about that?”

Yah i know.
It’s stupid.
It has been a year and i still cant get over it.
I dont know why.

Do i need to come to my therapist and ask why?
To be honest i miss him.
A lot.
Call me stupid or crazy.
I know.
I know.

Sad.
It’s tiring.

Break Up - almost a year (in a week)

Hi, how r you?
Hope you feel better today!

Today is 2nd day of Lebaran.

I would like to say thank you so much to myself.
For being strong through this tough year.
Reread the previous story, back to last year moment.
I am so proud of myself.
Thank you for taking care of yourself well.
Thank you for eating healthy food, working out consistently, pushing to stay alive, keep moving, dancing a lot, singing a lot, influencing closest people to start healthier life.

Thank you for being wiser, stronger and having bigger heart to accept the situation.
Thank you for stop blaming that i am not good enough to make someone stay.

Thank you for loving myself better.

It's quite surprising when you get unexpected attention from unexpected person, i don't think we can call it love.
Because i know, we both have so much love to someone else.

Thanks to him.
Thank you for staying around.
Thank you for taking care of me.
Thank you for laughing together effortlessly.
Thank you for holding my hand and simply rubbing my back every time i couldn't stop talking while crying and drunk.
Thank you for comforting me.
I do really hope you will always have a good life and being loved wherever you are.



Back to my ex.
He didn't say anything.
And he is with someone else now.
I saw him posted story about food from his girlfriend.
Read his message back from his birthday, "i dont want to be in love with anyone"
The first time i saw his story, my expression was like :) wow
Do i really have so much love this inconsistent person?
Maybe it's time to remove him from my instagram.

Moving on.
And totally letting him go.

Break Up - Week 8

It's been 2 months.
Couple months ago, you asked me to accompany you to your friend's weeding.
And the weeding is today.

I had prepared the dress.

You decided to choose your new life.

And i'm here.
Sitting with the night view.
The city is not as busy as Jakarta.

I was back to Surabaya last Thursday.
It was early morning flight, arrived at my place around 8am.
Our pictures still there, your birthday card still there.

"Take care in Surabaya, dont forget to come back so next year it will be....."

That word was my spirit.

Words.
is just
words,

The book said "befriend with the sadness"

I am scared.
I am scared.


Do you hate me that much?

Break Up - Week 6

Tuhan,
Aku kangen.
Maaf.