Break Up - Week 8

It's been 2 months.
Couple months ago, you asked me to accompany you to your friend's weeding.
And the weeding is today.

I had prepared the dress.

You decided to choose your new life.

And i'm here.
Sitting with the night view.
The city is not as busy as Jakarta.

I was back to Surabaya last Thursday.
It was early morning flight, arrived at my place around 8am.
Our pictures still there, your birthday card still there.

"Take care in Surabaya, dont forget to come back so next year it will be....."

That word was my spirit.

Words.
is just
words,

The book said "befriend with the sadness"

I am scared.
I am scared.


Do you hate me that much?

Break Up - Week 6

Tuhan,
Aku kangen.
Maaf.

Break Up - Week 5

i wake up this morning with headache.
I didnt take the sleeping pills for 2 days.
My body felt crazy tired but I couldn’t sleep at all.
All of my body and soul was incredibly tired and sick.
I was crazy my mind was full of you, my mind kept feeding me with story of you.

I bought another sleeping pills last night.
All i want just sleep peacefully.
2 days at office, with cups of coffe couldn’t help me to work.
My stomach felt unwell, i would like to throw everything away.

I never knew, break up or broken heart could be this bad.
I read books, articles, listening everything in podcast to help me healing.
But my head is in so much pain, my chest is so tired and so much hurt.
I can’t understand what happen with myself.

This morning.
I wake up.
And.
I miss you.

I really do.

Why do u change so much?
Why do u become someone i dont recognize?

What should i do if you had someone else?
How come you don’t think about me?

But like you said.
Enough.
Questions will be always there.


It’s crazy, holding all of the feeling alone.
The most hurtful feeling i’ve ever felt.



Anggi,
Hanging there ya.
Please stay strong, dont die, keep breathing :(
If i could hug you, i will come to hug.
I’m waiting here.
-yourself in the future-

Break Up - 2nd month

Today, i had morning consultation.
She asked me to make diary and today we reviewed it.
She summarized some emotional or feeling that reflect there.
I had to make letter, from each feeling towards you.

I couldn’t hold the tears.
When i said thank you.
Thank you for taking care of me.
Thank you for the happiness.
Thank you for being someone who i always dream of
Thank you ...

I am scared and feeling uncomfortable in the middle or public area.
I hope i can see you because i miss you so much, it’s so disgusting.
But yes, i miss you.
The other side i’m scared.... if i would see you with someone else.
The scene keep pushing my mind.

I am in one of worst condition today.
My chest hurt so much.
Everytime i breath, it’s so hurtful
....

I thought about suicide a lot today.
I’m questioning myself... how long i could hold this pain?
I feel so tired.
So tired.


And..... you stop contacting me.
I guess you really enjoy your new life.
I could say it’s not fair, i’m struggling with myself.
And... you seem fine.
I saw 2 new girls in ur account.
Wow.
:)
So fast baby.
I dont know who r they.
But.... you really do want to start new life.
Forget me.
Let me go.
Let
Me
Go.


Everytime the “let me go” words comes to my head, and my head recall the way you hugged me tightly....
The pain...
I can’t imagine it will be this hurtful.
I’m tired.
I do really want to kill myself.
So the pain.
Will disappear.

But i know.
I will be in hell forever.
So i was only crying like a shit, spending almost 5 hours to cry.
But the pain is still here!

Should i call you?
Should i text you?
What if i call to ask you to meet me once more...
I do really want to hug you.
For the last time.
To say please take care...
Stay healthy.

I do really want to let you go.
Let myself free from the pain.
But i’m scared.
I’m so confused.

God...
Please forgive me.
This pain, i couldn’t handle it.
Please forgive me.
Help me.

Break Up - 1st month

I’m taking double sleeping pills.
It still doesn’t work.
If killed myself would not make me live in hell forever.
Maybe i have took all of the pills!

You can think that i’m crazy or whatever.
You just have no idea, how the pain ruins my life.
And you?
Enjoy your life.
Wow.
Run away.
NO WORDS!!!
No explanation!

It’s been a month.
You dont contact me today.
You actually forget the promise.
Have you ever re-thought about us in this month?
Like you said?

Can you just keep your own world?
Do you think you deal with with tree or stone?

You said “i will never leave you”
Fucking bullshit.
Once you decided to leave.
See?
“I’ll help you through this”

Throw me away.
Like.
Nothing happen.

If i could throw away this disgusting love.
I will kick it awayyy!!! From my life!!!!!

I am spending my evening crying like stupid girl.
Disgusting.
You simply said “kamu melihat dari sisi pesimis dan dramatis”
Heartless!

Do you even have heart?

I asked to 4 professional help.
See? I’m trying and i want to move or even jump from this situation.
And you simple said, like i dont want to drag myself out!
Of course i want!!!!! More than anyone.
I’m speechless at all!!!!
How come someone like you talk like that???


Anggi, promise me... you will through this ok?
I know, this is hard for you.
It’s ok to cry.
Hug-
Urself in the future, i’m waiting here.

For Future Me - Break Up Day 23

Been 3 weeks.

I’m still breathing.

Crying in the morning, before sleeping or at office (come to toilet so many times to cry)

I came to ask professional help.

Yes, to make me stop hurting myself or thinking to die.

I came to 3 psychologist in less than a month.

I spent hours there.

“My love is less than 50%”

“I’m not happy”

“I dont realize my love for you slowly disappears... maybe because we’re far”

That words keep coming to my ears.

1. You said “i’ll let you know, if i could accompany you on Saturday because you already promised me. I’ll help you to find activity.

No. You didnt contact me.

2. We were in same flight. You offered me to have same flight back with me.

But, you even didn’t try to text me ask me! “R u already there?” Or “where r you?”

No... you didn’t.

No word at all.

You texted me just because my mom was so frustrated seeing me couldn’t stop crying.

3. You said “if you still need me to accompany you for the event, i’m fine. And i’ll let u know how’s the situation for my event”

At that day. 

No.. there was no call or text :)

And....

What you said “i will help you to through this”

How do you do that? Even you cannot keep you own word.

I’m out of my mind.

And suddenly.

You asked “hey, are u ok?”

Wow... my head... keep asking.

Why did u ask?

(Dont u just want to make yourself feel comfortable, if i said i’m good)

(So you can continue  your life peacefully)

But... my stupid heart.... comforting.

No... he is not that mean.

And ur answer.

I’m happy seeing u good.

I’m speechless.

Disgusting.

Pretending i’m good.

When even you cant work without come for consultation and pay so much money to make this mind stay insane.

My question.

Are you happy now?

How’s your feeling?

Don’t be proud of your logic.

That makes you less human.

Do you love someone, with your logic?

If you got hurt or felt uncomfortable, you will leave her?

Or

Simply 

You just

Never

Loved her?

For Future Me - Break Up Day 9

Hi,
Today is my first day back to work after long holiday.

In the morning, my taxi driver took wrong direction.
And made me through his office building.
And the road to his place.

I spent a whole day super productive.
And the evening came.
I talked with new friend about his marriage life.
Most of the boys who knows i broke up.
They said, he has someone else.
Everytime i think about that.
Makes my chest more in pain.
It’s crazy, unbelievable.
When you said to me dont ever cheat on him.
And he has someone else.
It’s impossible and unbelievable.
But who knows?
They said.

I spent time until no one left in the office.
My taxi driver (agail) took wrong direction and made me through his office building.
I was crying on my way back to home.
Painful.
Tired.


I took sleeping pill.
Slept and dreamt of him.
Woke up some times in the mid of night.
Previously i woke up to check, is he home yet?
To ensure he arrive home safely.

I opened my phone.
And nothing.
Emptiness that breaks the heart and feeling.
Tired.
Why does love make people struggle like this?
Why does love hurt?