For Future Me - Break Up Day 5

Hi,
It’s 7.51 pm here.

I called as the grief of last hug memory.
I was in my uncle house for Lebaran tradition visit.
They were talking a lot of things.
Everybody looked exited and happy.
I sat in front of the house and suddenly remember our last hug.
I’ve never thought it would be our last hug.
My chest was suddenly hurtful.
Felt so empty and full of regret
I wrote long text to someone.
So i would not text him about my feeling.
I promised him i promised to not share my feeling to him.

I will hold my promise.
I will.

My dear future me, so if you read it and forgot how it was.
How the last hug was.

It was Sunday afternoon - 28 April 2019.
Before my flight back to surabaya.
I came to his place.
To had lunch together.
Spent lil time before i went back to surabaya.
He was unpacking his luggage, just back from Korea, when i arrived there.
He gave me some cute socks, favorite sweet snacks, sheet masks, perfume and bag for my mom.

After spent around 3 hours.
My taxi came pick me up to airport.
We hugged each other.
I was holding my tears, but couldn’t help to not cry.
He asked “hey, kenapa? Sedih karna ketemunya masih lama?”
I hugged him tight and said yes...

And a month after that.
It was our last hug.
If i knew it would be our last hug.
I would hug him tighter and longer.
And said i do love him so much.

Today...
The grief for our last hug...

It’s ok to cry.
I had evening conversation today with my uncle.
I couldn’t hold my tears, when he asked about him.

It’s ok to feel every sadness and it’s ok.
Feel it, it’s a grief.
Step by step.

Thanks for crying, thanks for being honest to yourself.
I hope, dear future me.
You’re stronger person now.
I promise to you to no chase him as much as before.
I do apologize for hurting you a lot.

Sincerely,
You - 7 June 2019

For Future Me - Break Up Day 5 Morning

Hi,

The most tragic feeling every morning.
Empty and losing feeling.
Killing my heart slowly.....

I read his text.
It’s only.
- bhaik
- iya sudah kok hehe

If it hurts you a lot dear me.
I will stop this.
I will stop begging for him.
If i begged and made you getting worse.

I will stop.

Easy word that people always say:
“ if someone didn't care”
“ why should you”
Of course yes.... i love him so much.

How come.....
:’(

I’m crying now.
Remembered his kindness, gave me microphone
sent it along the way from Jakarta to Surabaya.
And tell me “happy karaoke”
Less than a week before he broke me up.
And it happened so sudden.
Breaking everything so hurtful.

I’m still asking.
Why?
Why?
What happened?


And you will come with.
We have already had long discussion.
And it’s enough.

I’m so afraid thinking he will be with someone else.
I’m so afraid.
More than anything.
I’m so afraid.... if all the love he had for me will be for someone else.
I’m so afraid.... if all the attention he had will be for someone else.
It’s hard to accept and believe....
He is not mine anymore.
Everytime it comes to my mind.
I cant breathe, it really hurtssss!

Dear future me,
You’re really in the hardest break up ever.
It’s totally painful.
If you’re doing good now.
Thank you and i appreciate it a lot.
I appreciate it a lot.
I do.
Thank you do much for through this.
Thank you so much for staying so strong.
I do appreciate.
I wanna hug you.
And say well done.
Great job.
See you’re doing well now.

For Future Me - Break Up Day 4

Hi,

It’s already late night here.
I was texting him today.
Asking his plan, is he ok, eat well, drive safely.

He has just replied my text.
Tired.

I realized today.
I’m no one now.
Last month he still mentioned how special i am for him.
I’m no one now.
Losing at all.
Unwanted.
Losing his caring feel.
He stop asking my day.
Stop asking am i eating well?
Stop asking about me.
He doesn’t want to know about me.
He stop to want to know.
Grief to “the meaning of me” for him
Today, is the grief for this.

I miss him so much.
I want to cry scream to universe.
God.... it’s so hard.
I miss him so much.
Give me strength to through this.
I love him so much, and i really do.

I do apologize for all of the bad words about him.
I do apologize for ungrateful, complaining about him.
When i say i accept him.
But talking something bad, improper and complaining behind him.

Maaf teramat besar untuk rasa tidak bersyukur disayangi dia sebulumnya.
Penyesalan terbesar karena tidak bersyukur.

You’ve done good job today.
You faced people outside.
And in the night.
You drained again.
The losing feeling is hurtful.

Hurtful.

I promise if you can trough this hard situation well.
I promise to you my dear future me.
I promise to take care or myself better.
I promise, i will not let it happen again.
I promise to protect you.

Be strong be strong be strong.
I beg to myself to please be strong.
It’s ok to cry a lot.
The pain is really pailful.
I know i know.
I do apologize to let this happen.
I promise, we will have fun, we will protect ourself together.

Tonight is so hurtful.
My heart is broken that hard.
God.... i dont have anyone to help.
I beg to You.
Please help me please help me.
Please help me.
It’s so hurtful.........

For Future Me - Break Up

Hi me in the future,
Hope you’re doing well now.
At least better than what i feel.


Today is the second day after he broke you up.
As we both agree since the beginning of relationship.
That’s why we were so afraid to start the relationship.

Because of this.
And surprise it really happened to us.

Maybe you still remember.
Because his love for me slowly disappears.
And he didn’t realize it.
And it happens when i still have so much love to him.

Maybe you still remember.
We both.
In one night, asking the question to him people change love changes.
How come i can believe he will never leave?
He answer with his deep voice.
Hey dont worry.
“If it happened i will take a break, not stop or quit”
“I choose you”

We both.
Trust his word.

We both.
Trust him.

With all of this heart.
With all of the faith that we still have.

After all.
After all.
He left.
Two days ago.
With reason.
His love slowly disappears
He is not happy anymore

When he is the one who asked me to build family together?
He left.

After all.

Until today.
We both dont know.
How to through this.

Even we dont have any reason to hate him.
At all.
Because we both know.
We have so much love for him.
That much.
And really do.

Dear future me,
I hope you’re doing well there.
So i know i’ll be fine in the end.

Letter for future me

Hi future me,

Good morning!
Today, 1 June 2019.

How’re there?
Hope you’re doing well and feel much loved there.

Today, it’s the day we both hate the most.
The scariest feeling.
When we woke up early morning and the chest feels empty.
You’re in relationships now.
And he just asked tough question.
It breaks ur heart.

Why it still happens?
Why?

I have no idea what to do.
All i can do is only cry.
It feels hurtful.
All of the dream and future disappears in second.

I hope we’re fine and we can through this.
Wherever you’re know.
I would like to say thank you for through this toughest moment well.
Thank you for staying strong.

And always remember.
You’re loved.
By yourself.
And don’t forget to love yourself.
Because by the end of the day, you only have yourself left to count on.

Sincere love,
Your past in June 1st 2019

And, now i understand.
Why people commit to suicide.


....
They want to kill the pain in their heart.
....

Worst feeling


When you wake up in early morning.
Your heart feels so empty.
Hurts so much.

You don’t know how to cry anymore.
Because you will not feel better.


I was feeling so much loved.
Why do now i can’t feel anything?
Is it my fault?
Is it just my feeling?
This insecurity drives me more crazy.

But hey.
Your feeling - no, your feeling most of the time brings to the right thing?
Scare with my own feeling.
Why do we need to hurt each other when we love each other?


I’ll be fine.
If i could feel loved
As much as.
Before.

Is it possible?

Or, do i still deserve for love?
Do i deserve it?
Repeating this question, again - and again.

Do i deserve it?