For Future Me - Break Up

Hi me in the future,
Hope you’re doing well now.
At least better than what i feel.


Today is the second day after he broke you up.
As we both agree since the beginning of relationship.
That’s why we were so afraid to start the relationship.

Because of this.
And surprise it really happened to us.

Maybe you still remember.
Because his love for me slowly disappears.
And he didn’t realize it.
And it happens when i still have so much love to him.

Maybe you still remember.
We both.
In one night, asking the question to him people change love changes.
How come i can believe he will never leave?
He answer with his deep voice.
Hey dont worry.
“If it happened i will take a break, not stop or quit”
“I choose you”

We both.
Trust his word.

We both.
Trust him.

With all of this heart.
With all of the faith that we still have.

After all.
After all.
He left.
Two days ago.
With reason.
His love slowly disappears
He is not happy anymore

When he is the one who asked me to build family together?
He left.

After all.

Until today.
We both dont know.
How to through this.

Even we dont have any reason to hate him.
At all.
Because we both know.
We have so much love for him.
That much.
And really do.

Dear future me,
I hope you’re doing well there.
So i know i’ll be fine in the end.

Letter for future me

Hi future me,

Good morning!
Today, 1 June 2019.

How’re there?
Hope you’re doing well and feel much loved there.

Today, it’s the day we both hate the most.
The scariest feeling.
When we woke up early morning and the chest feels empty.
You’re in relationships now.
And he just asked tough question.
It breaks ur heart.

Why it still happens?
Why?

I have no idea what to do.
All i can do is only cry.
It feels hurtful.
All of the dream and future disappears in second.

I hope we’re fine and we can through this.
Wherever you’re know.
I would like to say thank you for through this toughest moment well.
Thank you for staying strong.

And always remember.
You’re loved.
By yourself.
And don’t forget to love yourself.
Because by the end of the day, you only have yourself left to count on.

Sincere love,
Your past in June 1st 2019

And, now i understand.
Why people commit to suicide.


....
They want to kill the pain in their heart.
....

Worst feeling


When you wake up in early morning.
Your heart feels so empty.
Hurts so much.

You don’t know how to cry anymore.
Because you will not feel better.


I was feeling so much loved.
Why do now i can’t feel anything?
Is it my fault?
Is it just my feeling?
This insecurity drives me more crazy.

But hey.
Your feeling - no, your feeling most of the time brings to the right thing?
Scare with my own feeling.
Why do we need to hurt each other when we love each other?


I’ll be fine.
If i could feel loved
As much as.
Before.

Is it possible?

Or, do i still deserve for love?
Do i deserve it?
Repeating this question, again - and again.

Do i deserve it?

2018

Hey, how are  you?
Hope you are doing well.
It's been a year, do not post anything.

I was crazy busy bitch a whole year but really enjoyed it.
I was thinking that it will be hard for me to fall in love or see someone.
After all of the pain and i don't know why people around me mostly have "not perfect" relationship that i can look into.
Full of lie.
Cheating.
Or whatever.

It's just too tiring.
Tired with that kind of feeling.
Worrying a lot.
Insecure.
Sadness.
Or whatever.

Until i thought.

Anggi, you will be fine.
You are fine with yourself.
Do not let anyone mess up with your perfect life.
You only have to trust yourself.
Even your bestfriend will leave you someday.
At the end you only have yourself.

It always hard for me to forgive.
I can let it go easily but it always so hard to forgive.

Lately i think that i have to make a peace with myself.
Anggi, you have to learn how to forgive and forget.

And someday, one of my close friend said "you cannot be alone forever, open your heart"
Not everyone will hurt you.
I don't know, the thing that i know is only me who will never hurt myself.

God,
Thank you for the past 4 months.
For this time, please....do not take him away....
I know, i'm very selfish.
I do not do what You ask and leave what You ask.
It's very stupid if I asked this thing.
But i really thank to You for sending and letting him to love me (crying)

Good night,
sleep well, life well

Kembali Hidup

rasanya seperti kembali dari mati suri,
hahahaha, mungkin kehidupan 4 bulan terakhir ini serasa baik-baik saja sampai tak menulis apa-apa,
ya karna biasanya menulis sesuatu disini, hanya apabila terlalu senang atau terlalu sedih atau hmm ketika menemukan yaa.. bisa kita sebut apa ya, pengisi hari (atau) pengisi hati (?)

cerita dari jam 8 malam sudah selesai di akhir bulan Januari.
He was busy, but not that busy.
He simply met someone and will get married end of this year.
Am i sad? Hmm... i don't know.
The thing that i could express that time was hmmm oh... i see...
ok.
(don't ever underestimate my feeling hahahahaha sometimes, i am too scary with my feeling)
then stopped reply his text.

hari Rabu, jam 3.17
dua minggu, sebelum resmi kutinggalkan tempat di mana 5 tahun terakhir hampir setengah hidup kuhabiskan disini.
backsound lagu Crave You dari Flight Facilities feat Giselle.
cuaca pagi tadi mendung, siang matahari cukup terik, menjelang sore kembali redup.

dua minggu lagi,
kehidupan baru akan dimulai.
khawatir(?)
sangat!
over thinking(?)
pasti!'


sejak dua minggu lalu,
setiap datang ke tempat ini,
rasanya seperti orang yang tau kapan akan mati,
(oke berlebihan)
tapi benar, kamu seperti tau kapan waktunya pergi, meninggalkan apa yang membuatmu nyaman.


apa yang menarik belakangan ini?
hmm apa ya?
beberapa hal menarik tapi hmm ya berjalan biasa saja sepertinya.

apa yang membuat pada akhirnya berani mengambil keputusan cukup besar ini dalam hidup?
tidak tau.
cuma ingin jadi sesuatu (atau) seseorang yang lebih baik.

sebenarnya, pada akhirnya pilihannya hanya dua.
ditinggalkan?
atau
meninggalkan?

hmm.. sekian,
mari kita habiskan kopi pahit penahan kantuk ini.


-sampai jumpa-

25!

Hey!
Happy new year and welcome to 25!


For the first time, i wasn't excited to celebrate my birthday. Am i really turning to 25?
What should i do in this age?

Clueless.

Last year, i got lot of complains about "working too much"
They said, how come you will meet someone if you stay late at office everyday?
The time just yet to come, even we go out everyday, if God said "not yet"
We wouldn't meet anyone.
But if God said "yes, it's the right time"
Even we sleep at home, you will meet someone. How?
I believe God will give the best way for that.

I had deep conversation about "forgiving" with my close friend.
Forgiving is such a hard thing to do.
Most of the time, we only try to forget and let it go.
Then we don't realize it.

And it will come a day.
All the pain come at the same time.

School?
I almost finish it.

So.
May this year will be great, full of happiness and better than last year!