lol 34

I cant believe that i am 34 now lol.

Still breathing. Thank god!

Trying to live my best life.

Ticking all my bucket list, back to work out everyday.

My mcu result was bit bad.

I am trying to calm myself down.

Lately i think a lot about him.

He has daughter lol......

No, i dont have anyone.

(Not so anyone bcs i have my family and friends ofc)

But another close friend left after getting better life.

Another story people stick together in normal or bad situation

And slowly leave when life is getting better

Life....

It's good to come here again..

at this kind of situation, i need my dad 😞

it's 5 jan!

Happy birthday to me!

I woke up at 10 am today.

My mom woke me up at 7.30 and brought lil surprise.

It's tough year, keep getting lost

Keep feeling tired and not excited at work

I came to my theraphist but not getting better

Questioning a lot what happen to me why it feels like a circle and now i am going back to the dark part

I didnt eat healthy food, stop working out but managed to consistent in doing pilates once a week, couldnt finish any book (sadddd), lots of worry, scare of getting old, fat, 

It's fun year also, i went to korea and was so happy there. Felt like home (lol), i enjoyed every second and step there!

It's not easy year but i am still grateful for everything, eventhough i feel lost, but thank to myself who keep going, living my life..

Let's continue walking together, and hey BTS will comeback!!! 🤗

I hope we will have good year.

And remember that i love youuuuuuuuu!

Let's hug each other to celebrate we had been thru the 32 and welcoming 33 ! (It's closer to 35 now :( )

Well done!

no title

I have survived for 5 years

Depressive nights, countless numb days.

There was some bright days, then back to those dark circle

Lately the thought to die comes often

But i know, there will be long journey after it.

There will be long road with no end...

Painful road.

Full of punishment.

I decided to stop coming to my therapist.

The session was always painful.

She kept telling me to remember the pain, no.. even the source of every pain.

Questioning what am i doing in this world

Why am i here

Too scare to die

Too frustrated with my own feeling, thought 

counting number

Losing excitement in celebrating my birthday

Lol

Well done!

Thank you for staying alive!

Thank you for surviving!

Thank you for always giving the best for yourself!

Well done, i love you more than last year!

moving

It's saturday night, on my way to my friend's wedding.

I have too much in mind, makes me coming back to this.

Complicated tought and feeling.

I am going to leave from my 6years 2nd home.

It's funny i dont feel anything

Kinda numb

Sadness? Idk i just want to leave.

No, i haven't met my therapist, lol.

clouds

When was the last time I share something here?

A year ago?

I have so much thoughts lately.

It's hard to describe how I feel, what I think 

I am planning to continue my discussion with my therapist.

It has been 2 years I stop meeting her, I thought everything will be fine.

But lately the black clouds is coming and filling my body with those uncomfortable pain.

I keep pulling myself from others.

Anxious to talk with others.

Keep ignoring people who reach out to me.

I hate everything with no reason.

Losing motivation to work and keep spending money impulsively.

What's going on?

hole

After long time, i feel the hole inside again.

seeing you again

After almost 2 years.

Tomorrow will be the first i meet him

I am sure i dont have any feeling left.

But somehow, i really dont want to talk with him, wasting my energy to talk face to face.

Lets face it and go home! 

weird night

I find myself hard to fall a sleep.

Even the body feels tired.

So many things come up to my mind.

I start losing my way, what do i really want?

I am thinking to take long break.

And just be there for myself.

Let myself take a break from everything for a while.

Birthday Gift

Hi,
Omygod I am 30.
LOL.
Surprisingly, I feel excited (kinda weird I know)
I always thought and felt anxious every time thinking about being 30 but when the time it comes.
Ok, so so and excited.

I gave myself the best bday gift ever.
It likes appreciation for staying alive for 30 years (ha ha ha, it's not easy hey!)
Finally, I visited Switzerland.
YES! SWITZERLAND! 
I was spending a week there.
I still can't believe, I really came there.

Unbelievable...
I thought I could never come there.
But I really made it.
It was crazy.

It was real..

Last Month being 20's

 Hi,

I guess life is going well since I stop writing for a while.
Hmm,  i see it's getting better or maybe i just become stronger somehow (which is good, right?)
So, if you see me in the future, I decided to move for a while to Bali.
I have been living here for almost 3 months, traveling a lot in the middle of my busy work.

How's my feeling now?

Last October, I got a text from him and he asked me to meet up. 

I rejected since I didn't see the urgency to meet him after more than a year. He said he would apologize.

I was laughing, where have you been? This year a learn a lot about how to forgive and let go of the grudge. I am so tired of my anger and waiting for people to apologize, realize their mistake, realize that what they did hurt me. But in life, if everything happens as we wish, it's not life, right?

Until now, I realize that forgiveness is not for them. It is for me to have a more peaceful mind. I know the sadness is sometimes still there, but nothing I can do except to feel the sadness, take a breath, talk to myself that "hey, you'll be fine"

It's good to have a break in Bali, I went to the beach a lot. I got tanned and it's very tanned.
Somehow I don't care, I don't want to have any regret or at least minimize any regret in the future.

Thank you for my 20's

Thank you for staying strong, surviving from so much pain, and achieving so much good things.

I am so proud of you.

Take care of your feeling, live with the best life you can give to yourself, buy the best things for yourself.

You deserve all of the good things in this world.

Thank you for my 20's!

I am so happy with i have today.

Welcome to 30's life!

The wedding that i see

 I am checking my Instagram. Talked to my friend that i have feeling he will get married. And i find out he got married last night.

I cant lie, it’s sad

But i dont actually understand why i feel this way.

Am i envy or do i still have a feeling?

I want to run away somewhere.

Dear myself,

It’s ok to feel sad, feel the sadness. You have big heart. I will be with you forever.

Love,

Your future

My Feeling around 2 am

 Hi,

(I have just read the old text between me and him, a year ago i got food from him, i was in the mid of meeting and couldn’t buy lunch. He bought it for me)

It's been a while. I am questioning myself a lot.

Am i really ok? Am i just running away from the reality of getting hurt inside?

How hurt the pain inside, i have nothing to do.

Acceptance, i am looking for some answer but it keeps leading me to learn how to accept things peacefully, let it be and learn the real meaning of  “it is what it is”

I have no control for anything.

I keep seeing them smiling and living their best life. I have different feeling now, thought i am getting stronger somehow. But do i really feel fine inside? 

No, i feel sad but the sadness is in different scale or form than before, it feels like uncomfortable wave inside my chest. 

Sometimes i miss the way how they made me feel comfortable, energize and happy. 

I cant lie, curious do they really never think about me? Then the next question will come up, if yes then what? If no then what? Sadly i have to accept. We are no longer at the same bus, we are no longer relate to each other. 

We are back to stranger to each other.

I miss you both.

Dear myself,

How sad, how hurt you are now. Take care and hanging there. I will see you in the future with full and warm heart. We will through this together. You know that i love you so much. I promise to learn more about yourself and taking care of you better.

I am waiting here, to see you with brighter smile from inside your heart.

Love,

Yourself 

Silly Honest Feeling

You know what?

This is silly, i find out myself still missing my ex.

I dont know but i miss him, a lot lately. But the form of this feeling quite different than before.

It’s simply more like, missing the feeling or moment with him. Not missing in sad way. I miss the moment talking with him. I miss the conversation with him. Facing another lost, i miss to see his eyes and simply hug him in silent. Just for a moment. I miss the comfort moment with him.

I know it’s silly. But it’s ok. We’re just trying to be honest with our feeling and let’s see how long it will be.

Acceptance needs process, i think we’re almost there, to accept all of this hurtful moment with him in peace.

Ps: i miss you. I hope you always be fine there.

Week 3

 I miss him.

A lot.

I decided to end up everything 3weeks ago, he asked to meet me directly. He asked for lunch but i refused because i know it would ruin my work.

He said ok. But never came back and contacted me.

Losing him seems harder because feel lose best friend at the same time. It feels like double attack. 

My brain keeps asking and thinking “is the decision ok? 

To be honest deep inside. I feel bad.

I miss him, the jokes, comfort silent moment, accompany for long hours silent video call :(

I wonder, how’s his feeling? He seems ok :(

I found out.
My instagram is muted.
I dont know actually, it’s muted or he just skipped my story.
I talked to my friend
“Then what? Why do u still care about that?”

Yah i know.
It’s stupid.
It has been a year and i still cant get over it.
I dont know why.

Do i need to come to my therapist and ask why?
To be honest i miss him.
A lot.
Call me stupid or crazy.
I know.
I know.

Sad.
It’s tiring.

Break Up - almost a year (in a week)

Hi, how r you?
Hope you feel better today!

Today is 2nd day of Lebaran.

I would like to say thank you so much to myself.
For being strong through this tough year.
Reread the previous story, back to last year moment.
I am so proud of myself.
Thank you for taking care of yourself well.
Thank you for eating healthy food, working out consistently, pushing to stay alive, keep moving, dancing a lot, singing a lot, influencing closest people to start healthier life.

Thank you for being wiser, stronger and having bigger heart to accept the situation.
Thank you for stop blaming that i am not good enough to make someone stay.

Thank you for loving myself better.

It's quite surprising when you get unexpected attention from unexpected person, i don't think we can call it love.
Because i know, we both have so much love to someone else.

Thanks to him.
Thank you for staying around.
Thank you for taking care of me.
Thank you for laughing together effortlessly.
Thank you for holding my hand and simply rubbing my back every time i couldn't stop talking while crying and drunk.
Thank you for comforting me.
I do really hope you will always have a good life and being loved wherever you are.



Back to my ex.
He didn't say anything.
And he is with someone else now.
I saw him posted story about food from his girlfriend.
Read his message back from his birthday, "i dont want to be in love with anyone"
The first time i saw his story, my expression was like :) wow
Do i really have so much love this inconsistent person?
Maybe it's time to remove him from my instagram.

Moving on.
And totally letting him go.

Break Up - Week 8

It's been 2 months.
Couple months ago, you asked me to accompany you to your friend's weeding.
And the weeding is today.

I had prepared the dress.

You decided to choose your new life.

And i'm here.
Sitting with the night view.
The city is not as busy as Jakarta.

I was back to Surabaya last Thursday.
It was early morning flight, arrived at my place around 8am.
Our pictures still there, your birthday card still there.

"Take care in Surabaya, dont forget to come back so next year it will be....."

That word was my spirit.

Words.
is just
words,

The book said "befriend with the sadness"

I am scared.
I am scared.


Do you hate me that much?